Finally at 33 years of age I am expecting a baby! For those of you who know me well you know this has been a long and arduous journey rife with patience, heart break, timing (good and bad) and faith. Not faith in god, although I know religion brings comfort and peace to many people, it is not my thing. I have faith in myself and faith in the knowledge that I am largely a good person so I have to believe that eventually what I seek the most will come to fruition.
When I was a young woman I was in a very unhealthy relationship and I got pregnant twice. Once when I was 18 and then again the following year at 19. Despite the fact that I knew I really wanted to have children I chose to have both of those pregnancies terminated. The first one was a no brainer for me, I was 18 years old and did not want to become a mother at that point in my life, the second one however I agonized over, I wanted that baby so badly I could taste it, but my partner at the time convinced me it was a bad idea and I went forward with the abortion. I would love to blame him for that decision, but at the end of the day I was the one who had to consent to it. I could have chosen that moment to break free from the control and stand up for my choice but it took me 8 more years to reach that breaking point.
Terminating that pregnancy was both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it has haunted me ever since. I still have nightmares about it and cry ever so often when I think of the person that embryo could have turned out to be, but on the other hand I am enormously grateful that I did not give birth to him/her because I would likely have never broken free of the dysfunctional and traumatizing relationship I was in and a child would have also had to live with that.
Fast forward to now, I am 14 weeks pregnant and happily married to the most wonderful man. I have an amazing son (step) who is eleven and is very much looking forward to being a big brother.
We knew we wanted a planned pregnancy so we waited until the time was right and started trying. Eleven months later we got our two pink lines and have been on cloud nine ever since. When I think back to my thoughts and feelings the last time I was pregnant I can say for certain that I never thought in a million years that I would ever have what I have now. I didn’t think I even deserved it. Boy was I wrong!
I have a husband who is always looking out for me, always makes me feel beautiful and special and who is genuinely excited about the birth of our little boy or girl. It honestly took me way longer than I would like to admit to convince myself that his love and devotion and goodness was real. After being dragged through hell and back for eleven years I had/have a really hard time accepting love and trusting. But I know it is worth it and I will show up to fight for it every day because I deserve it and so does he.
I am fourteen weeks pregnant as I write this and I am starting to show a little bit more everyday. It is such a wonder and privilege to finally be able to experience this without all of the anxiety and fear. To work hard to preserve a pregnancy and to be grateful for it everyday. I was afraid that because of my two abortions something had gone wrong and perhaps I could no longer get pregnant but obviously that fear was in vain. The nausea is awful but thankfully in Canada we have a drug called Diclectin which has safely been in use for thirty years, this has mostly alleviated my vomiting though I do still experience some nausea. I have experienced some of the common side effects such as drowsiness (as if I wasn’t tired enough already), headaches and dry mouth but they are a worthy trade off for not throwing up all day.
We are waiting on the results of our genetic testing but are confident that all will be well, and in late September we get our next ultrasound. This would be when we could find out the gender of the baby if we wish but we have chosen to keep it a surprise, which I am really excited about. I can’t imagine a better way to find out then right after we have fought the biggest battle of our lives to bring this little warrior into the world. Most people have their money on a girl but I am not so sure. None of my siblings have had girls yet so I would be the first.
I am so eternally grateful to have this opportunity and I can’t wait to see what the rest of this journey will look like. I am entering this chapter surrounded by family and friends who love me and support me and it truly is a dream come true.
I want to end this post by acknowledging that not all women have yet been given this gift that we have.
My heart absolutely breaks for the women out there who are unable or are struggling to conceive, just the eleven short months we waited was absolute torture for me. I experienced feelings of guilt and fear and inadequacy, I thought there was something wrong with me and that it must be my fault. It wasn’t true for me and it isn’t for you either. I am with you sister and I am thinking of all of you and hoping everyday that you get the gift you are longing for. Somewhere in this big universe there is a soul waiting to be united with you and when that day comes it will be worth all of the days that came before.