To the people along the way

Life is a journey; we all know that saying. The reason we know it and it continues to be passed along is that it is true.

Everybody is on a unique, beautiful, painful, joyous, journey that we know nothing about. We don’t know their struggles, their triumphs, their internal conversations, their private conversations, their love, their pain, their hopes, or their fears. Their journey is for them and them alone, but that doesn’t mean that other people aren’t affected by it.

We encounter so many people in our walk through this life and we leave an impression on each and every one of them. I would like to think that my impressions have always been good ones, but that is completely unrealistic. In my life I have had so many struggles and demons to deal with and I haven’t always handled them with grace.

In high school, I had a really, really, hard time. I was unhappy in my home and my insecurities made me endlessly seek approval from peers, resulting in a lot of destructive behavior. I was also bullied terribly which added to my inability to socialize properly, and I sought my acceptance in the worst ways.

I was never into drugs or partying, my destruction came from myself. My lack of a sense of self and self worth led me to become involved with somebody who fed off of my insecurities and made them one hundred times worse. I allowed that person to control every aspect of my life and to make me feel like I didn’t deserve anything different. We were two young and unevolved humans who went with each other down a long and painful road.

I allowed this relationship to consume my whole life. I walked away from my entire support group, I lost best friends, I lost my connection with my family, and I never developed a connection with myself.

I allowed my identity to become the relationship, the people around us always commented on how “neat” it was that we had been together for so long, and that they wished they had something like that. But it was all a lie. Underneath that sunny façade of success and team work was a broken home. Two people coexisting but not partners. It was two people who were just too afraid of what life would look like on their own, so they chugged along in a dysfunctional co-dependent dynamic that eventually fell apart when they couldn’t maintain the illusion anymore.

When the day finally came that we accepted the fact that it was time for our next chapters, we parted in a way that was respectful of our time spent together and we plowed forward into our futures without one another. Now I am getting married to the most thoughtful, loving, kind and loyal man I could have ever imagined. He brought a son into my life as well who brightens my day every time I think of him and I am so thankful to be here.

You see, without the journey that I went on, without the heartache, the struggles, the sleepless nights and the experiences, I would not be the person that I am today, and I LOVE the person that I am today.

This post is about recognition and apologies, so I will start here.

I want to apologize to that person I met in high school. Ours was a long journey full of difficulties and heartache and they were not only caused by one of us. I hope you can find all the happiness you desire and that you will learn as much from our time together as I have.

I want to apologize to the people that I pushed away over all those years. You only ever wanted the best for me but I was so wrapped up in the stress of my life that I allowed you to slip away and I have to live with that.

I want to apologize to my family; I am so sorry that I spent so many years not being a part of your amazing lives. I am so grateful for the unwavering support and love that you offered me even when I was unwilling or unable to accept it. Even when I was being the biggest asshole I could be, I still always knew that you would be there for me no matter what, and I am so glad that you get to share this beautiful glorious part my journey now.

I want to apologize to the people who I have neglected since the new chapter in my life has begun. Making this transition wasn’t easy and my desire for change left me fearing anything from the past. It is not your fault that this happened and I am sorry for my disappearing act.

I want to apologize to my fiancé. I try really hard to not let my past experiences color the way that I live my life. But sometimes it leaks through and it can be hard for me to process and move on. Thank you for being endlessly patient with me and for reminding me everyday that I am worthy of your amazing love. You have helped me in my healing process so much and I am grateful to be able to share the rest of my life with you.

Last but certainly not least, I want to apologize to myself. I am so sorry that I allowed so many things to take precedence over my own happiness. I am sorry for all the negative conversations I have with myself about how I am no successful enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not parenting well enough, and the list goes on and on. Those thoughts are all bullshit. Nobody, not even you yourself, has the right to make you feel those things. I am working every day to change the conversations I have with myself. I spent too many years allowing other people to tell me those things and it stops here.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are enough, never forget that.
So to the people along the way of my journey. Thank you and I am sorry.

Each and everyone of you has left an impression on my life as I have on yours, whether it be big or small.

I am so excited to see what the future has in store for all of us, and I promise to continue working towards be the best person I can be and to no longer needing to apologize to the people in my path.