To my suicidal self;

I know you feel low and defeated, like there is no where else to turn. I know that that this life seems impossibly confusing and you think you are failing the people in your life in every possible way you can. I can remember the thoughts so clearly; you suck, your stupid, you’re ugly, you’re sick for a reason.. I know the list goes on.

As I close my eyes, I see you waking up; slick with your own blood, sore and bruised. After the typical night of swallowing colorful pills and smoking cigarettes, something in you must have finally snapped. To this day, I still don’t remember what happened, what you were thinking as you got that razor blade and sliced into yourself. But I do know that you survived, and you woke up a stronger person.

You probably won’t believe me, but it’s going to get better. It will take a while, and you are going to have to put up a hell of a fight, but you’ll get there. One day soon you are going to realize the value your life has, that the love you hold in your heart is worth spreading, and that above all else, you deserve to live. You are going to create change in this world and you are going to make a difference in people’s lives. Soon you are going to be able to find joy and learn to battle your demons without altering your state of mind with dirty drugs found on the street. One day soon you will wear your scars proudly, like a badge of honor.

You feel things so deeply; the emotions feel overwhelming and scary. But guess what? That means that one day soon you are going to feel overwhelming happiness, and trust me, those moments of happiness make up for every single dark and debilitating feeling of self-hatred you have had to fight through.

Just please, remember your worth, and take care of yourself above all. Listen to your Mom, she would give you the world if she could and at some point, she is going to be on the only one standing behind you. Call your siblings more, if they knew your struggles, they would be there holding your sagging empty shell of a body up in heartbeat. Call your friends; they love you, and they will support you until the end of time. Listen to your doctors, there is nothing wrong with taking medicine, and once day it will be your saving grace.

There will more highs and lows throughout your life, but you are going to conquer every single one of them and show the people who doubted you just how incredible you are. As the saying goes, this too shall pass.

Love, your 23-year-old kick ass self.

-Colleen